It was 12 weeks yesterday since Marley was born.


It feels like forever ago. Time really has flown.

I have been watching One Born Every Minute on TV, and when I see women holding their baby for the first time I can't help but feel some kind of empty, looming, sadness that those moments were stolen from me, and I can never get that back.

I saw one situation which went down similar to Marley's birth - he didn't breath and was taken straight to intensive care. The reality of the situation was far scarier than I remember. The baby was blueberry purple, unresponsive, and completely lifeless. It terrified me to think that Marley had gone through that, and it really broke my heart. I don't remember those moments very well because I went into shock. Maybe it's a good thing my brain chose to erase those moments. Nobody wants to see their child lifeless.

I don't dwell on the past, I usually prefer not to confront the things I cannot change. It's only the sting when I'm reminded of what happened. This is something I'll have to deal with.

It feels good to be able to put this on paper though. Writing lets me make sense of things. Even though I feel weird sharing my private thoughts with the world, I always find solace in other peoples writing and know I need to do the same.

Jaimie from roxylove said it perfectly:
"Life is good. Life is really, really good. But it's also difficult. I'm not even referring to the responsibilities of parenthood. It's difficult in ways that are completely unrelated to that. There's a part of me that is trying to catch up to this new life. Or maybe I left a part of me in the past and I'm feeling nostalgic and trying to hold onto it. I'm not sure. Does this even make sense? Probably not."

I'm so grateful that I have a happy, healthy (chubby) baby boy. But some wounds take time to heal, and I'll get there eventually. I'll just have to have a billion more cuddles with my Mars Bar. I'm pretty sure warm baby snuggles fix everything.


Hi I am Natalie said...

I am due any day now and I can't imagine going through everything you have.
You are doing so well talking about your feelings - I personally think that bottling things up doesn't help.
All the best,
Natalie x

Sylvia Holman said...

I love this comment, thank you Natalie I really appreciate it more than I can express!! x

N|MΛRIE said...

I didn't have this exact scary experience, but I had that first experience holding them right away stolen from me too-- I actually didn't get to hold her until the day after she was born. I had to have an emergency c, my epidural failed, after 2 failed spinals, they gave up and knocked me out! I was so drugged up that I couldn't stay away long enough to hold her until the next day, so I at least know what that part is like. :(

It took me awhile to come to terms with it too. In the end, I also just came to be grateful that we all came through that scary situation safely. :) But it usually bubbles up a little every time she hits a monthly birthday.

So glad to find you! Following you back now! And thanks so much for linking up with us! :)

♥Nicole @ Me + the Moon

Kat said...

Such a touching post. I couldn't imagine going through that but you are lucky to have such a beautiful baby :)

Kat x


The Dumpy Duchess said...

awww, look at that sweet baby! Thank you for sharing your story with us. So inspired! By the way, I'm following you courtesy of the Bloghop! Great blog! I hope you'll visit my blog and follow me too!


Jill @ Create.Craft.Love. said...

Great post! So happy that you have the little buddy to snuggle with! Thanks for linking up to the CHQ blog hop! Hope to see you back next week!

Mary said...

It's is hard to watch those. I saw my babies when they were born I had to have a c-section, but they had rapid breathing rates and were put under observation for 8 long hours. It is hard to think about sometimes. So glad your baby is healthy now! I found you on Mom Musings and I'm a new follower.

Jill Schrader said...

That sounds so hard. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad to hear you are starting to get the healing you need as well as Marley.

Stopped by from Mom Musings. I love the watercolor theme on your blog.

Erin Fowler said...

Aww such a touching post!! This situation sounds hard. I am truly sorry you had to go through that! And happy that you are healing as well as Marley! Following you from the I Love Online Friends Blog Hop!


Naptime Review said...

I am so happy everyone is healthy!

Julie @ Naptime Review

Roshni AaMom said...

so sorry you all had to go through that but so very glad that everything is fine now!!

Jelli said...

It's great to hear that Marley is well. I hope that you'll be able to find complete comfort in this situation soon. Thanks for linking u, Sylvia.