It was 12 weeks yesterday since Marley was born.
ONLY 12 WEEKS?!
It feels like forever ago. Time really has flown.
I have been watching One Born Every Minute on TV, and when I see women holding their baby for the first time I can't help but feel some kind of empty, looming, sadness that those moments were stolen from me, and I can never get that back.
I saw one situation which went down similar to Marley's birth - he didn't breath and was taken straight to intensive care. The reality of the situation was far scarier than I remember. The baby was blueberry purple, unresponsive, and completely lifeless. It terrified me to think that Marley had gone through that, and it really broke my heart. I don't remember those moments very well because I went into shock. Maybe it's a good thing my brain chose to erase those moments. Nobody wants to see their child lifeless.
I don't dwell on the past, I usually prefer not to confront the things I cannot change. It's only the sting when I'm reminded of what happened. This is something I'll have to deal with.
It feels good to be able to put this on paper though. Writing lets me make sense of things. Even though I feel weird sharing my private thoughts with the world, I always find solace in other peoples writing and know I need to do the same.
Jaimie from roxylove said it perfectly:
"Life is good. Life is really, really good. But it's also difficult. I'm not even referring to the responsibilities of parenthood. It's difficult in ways that are completely unrelated to that. There's a part of me that is trying to catch up to this new life. Or maybe I left a part of me in the past and I'm feeling nostalgic and trying to hold onto it. I'm not sure. Does this even make sense? Probably not."
I'm so grateful that I have a happy, healthy (chubby) baby boy. But some wounds take time to heal, and I'll get there eventually. I'll just have to have a billion more cuddles with my Mars Bar. I'm pretty sure warm baby snuggles fix everything.